29 Going on for tea. I hate tea.

Yeah really bad pun, I know, I get it, try to be a little bit funny with the article title and fall flat on your 29 year old face. Good job there.

This post however is not about me feeling sorry for myself, my age or my bad pun writing ability, but more about my hatred of tea combined with my distaste for over zealous age distress.

What is age distress you ask? Well I’m glad you did…

It’s that unwilling acceptance and petrified resignation of all things happy or beautiful past the age of about 25. It happens a lot in the shameless, overly accepting western society that we live in.  “I’m 26 years old, I might as well just kill myself,” they cry. “It was better when I was 18,” they whine, “I didn’t have to worry about my relentless obsession with the slow trudge towards inevitable deterioration and death…”

I often distress at the resignation of my peers, to a life filled with turning things down because we’re “too old for this shit.” So I’m here to try and help. And if the only thing anyone gets out of this is the courage to go and do one horrendously stupid childish thing one time, then more power to them! Have a go at playing on a trombone, try roller skating with a boombox rocking out some sweet jams, or eat an ice cream really fast, I’m sure you’ll be telling your friends about that brain freeze for the rest of your life. My god it was painful, I thought I might die!

Anyways, here is a list of reasons why life is like tea, which I hate, but it makes me feel better about getting old, so maybe it will help you too…

Life, like tea, takes a while to brew

Sure, it’s fun to mix all that stuff together, you put the tea in, put the milk in, put the sugar in, try different combinations of things, try a different tea even! Hopefully though, you get to a point where you know how you like tea. This is a good point to be at, you can now enjoy your tea in the correct fashion for a significant length of time.

Being old just means you’ve had a chance to figure out the successful formula to your tea cocktail, or at least something moderately close. Find a tea you like and then keep drinking it.

I mean this isn’t 100% fullproof advice. Sometimes somebody switches the brand of tea in the work kitchen, or sometimes people don’t even like tea. Then you’re really screwed.

Life, like tea, is not always flowery

But earl grey is, and I tell you now that stuff tastes like eating a giant handful of your grandmothers favourite pot pourri. Gross.

Life, like tea, is mostly brown

There are lots of brown things in life, mud, poop, the colour of beef on the outside. Only on the outside though. Make sure the middle is red. If it’s not even a little bit red then you are a heathen.

It’s never too late to enjoy beef guys. Just not the personal kind, that stuff is unnecessary. Settle your beefs with people, then go eat some.

Life, like tea, is sugary if you PUT SUGAR IN IT

Give me some sugar, I am your neighbour!

I mean maybe outkast can get away with that but for a normal person to go round next door and shout that seems a tad demanding. I don’t think I’d give you ANY sugar in that situation, I mean at least say please, even if it does ruin your mad flow.

Put sugar in and get sugar out. Spread the love, and it will spread you… Wait that doesn’t make any sense…

Share the love, and cher will love you…


Err, you get the jist.

NEVER put the milk in first

Putting the milk in first just means buying a year gym membership when you’ve only done one free personal trainer session. Or getting a dog despite working an 80 hour work week. I mean sometimes that works out perfectly but for the most part you’re risking your whole cup of tea on a hunch.

Summar-tea… er, summary

Even worse than the first pun, seriously that is contrived at best…

I mean hopefully I’ve made you feel sufficiently more comfortable at being older than a child, and you are now more able to come to terms with the fact that sure, one day you might die, but until then, drink as much tea as you want, and brew it in a way you don’t entirely hate.

Or don’t, I couldn’t care less.

Yours Du-tea-fully,