Alright I can see the angry mob in the distance, I know you guys are coming for me with the pitch forks and the burning stakes and the fire and the angriness. Ready to set me on fire and burn me as a heretic for saying anything bad against the precious dice! I’m sorry. But this is what I believe. This person is as annoyed as me…
Look how mad she is! Furious. Que esTalla 7! That probably means something really bad and I have no idea, I just posted it because it looked funny. Oh heavens.
Fancy dice are just plain bad though. They suck for many many reasons. Here are those reasons:
Reason 1: How u read?
Oooo how very lovely and nicely designed dice… except that the NUMBERS ARE ILLEGIBLE. Please at least make the numbers white or something. How is a visually impaired person supposed to see that let alone a normal human being with normal functioning eyes. The d20 is especially horrific.
Actually scratch that, what I really love doing the most is spending half of my time playing any tabletop game scratching my head and peering at the dice through my hipster monocle. Look I know you love artisan bread and artisan books and artisan food and wooden everything, but seriously. Make some dice I can read quickly yo.
Or I guess I could have got the wrong dice mixed up and this could have happened:
Reason 2: Some materials are just straight up not good for rolling
You know, like metal for example. Heavy metal dice are the least fun thing. And I don’t mean dice that are themed on Metallica and Iron Maiden, although I wish I did. When you roll them they briefly play a snippet of a song, because that’s a cool thing that could be definitely designed in real life. I mean who wouldn’t enjoy random blisteringly loud interjections of ‘Number of the Beast’ during a tense conversation with a friendly guy called Geoff in the tavern. It would be the opposite of annoying.
Reason 3: Science
Yep that’s right folks, it all comes down to science in the end, as everything in the whole funky wide universe always does. Those scientific folks got it gosh darn right this time. Well I’ll be blowed… blown? Nope, definitely not blown. Moving on…
Ok I’ll spill the science alright, sheesh, patience my young padawan. Or… reader I guess. I’m far too unwise to be teaching anyone the ways of the jedi.
The science is this. The more generic your dice are, the lessed biased they will be against you. True science fact. That I made up. Still science though, I assure you, or maybe I’m thinking about this too much… I’M IN TOO DEEP.
Reason 4: Having your own polyhedrals is a gateway drug
To so many terrible and unspeakable things. One of which is a not too recent phenomenon (actually I have no idea how recent it is, this has probably been happening from before I was born knowing me… probably before cameras were invented even).
That phenomenon is DICE SHAMING
Ok so this person clearly has a very amazing life. Anyone who is SO ashamed by the numbers that appeared by luck on a piece of geometrically shaped plastic must have it PRETTY GOSH DARN GOOD ALREADY.
I’m talking gaming room, gaming kitchen, gaming pool (for all that gaming underwater action) and even a gaming ride on lawnmower. Hash tag life mother flipping goals. Talk about rolling a natural 20 at life AMIRITE!? No? Ok sure, don’t laugh at my joke, I’ll laugh at it MYSELF.
Is a cool heading to summarise the post.
My summary is this: buy dice you can read, and that don’t hate you.
Easier said than done…